Joe's sitting at the bar drinking his beer when he spots one of those 5-gallon water bottles, dry, upright, and stuffed with $20 bills. When the bartender gives him a fresh beer, Joe asks about the water jug. "It's a running bet we've got here. You put a $20 into the jug and if you can win the bet, it's all yours."
"What's the bet?" asked Joe.
"See our bouncer over by the door?" replied the bartender. Joe looks toward the door where he sees something that looks like Arnold Schwarneggar on steroids. The bartender continues, "Take him out with one puch."
"That's it?" asked Joe. "Take out the bouncer?"
"No," answers the bartender, "it's a 3-part bet. After the bouncer, we have a pit bull down in the basement with an abscessed tooth. You have to pull it out. And after that, we have an 80-year-old lady upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You have to do that. If you can do all those, then that jug of money is yours."
Joe grunts and goes back to drinking his beer. And looking at the money. And another beer. And looking at that money. And another beer, and still eyeing all that money. Another beer, still pondering that stash of cash.
All of a sudden, Joe jumps up with a mighty scream. He slam-dunks a $20 bill into the jug and races across the bar. POW! One hit, and the bouncer keels over like an oak tree. The whole bar stands up and stares. But Joe doesn't break stride. Down to the basement, he tears. Now there's snarling and howling coming up the stairs and it sounds like the gates of Hell have opened up. It goes on for 20 minutes. Then it's quiet.
The whole bar is waiting in anticipation. Suddenly Joe bursts up the stairs, sweat pouring from his body. His hair matted, his eyes maniacal, he glances around like a madman.
"Okay," he shouts, "now where is that old lady who needs her tooth pulled...???"
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle aged man entered the bar. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young at heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly over to her. (As any man would)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...
An old priest was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the Rectory. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the bedroom, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, neither of them said anything. Both the IRS agent and the Lawyer were flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."
Ove the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Wargo has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Wargo have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Wargo - Complaints
Things Mr. Bill Wargo has done while his spouse was shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!"... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
6. September 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Septermber 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the anti-depressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME... PICK ME!!!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!".
And last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, VERY loudly, "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.
He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.
The man say I can do it!
So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing.'"
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she
was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're
mating,"her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other
one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not
having any of that brokeback mountain chit in our garden."
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd
have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up,
and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said
she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I have a Rottweiler, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the
last time.But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing
behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a
car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as
he fell on the floor laughing.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED:
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow"!
A old Cowboy is sitting at the counter of his favorite diner looking into a bowl of chilly. In walks this snot nosed tree hugger hippie kid. He sits down beside the Cowboy and asks "are you going to eat that old timer" "No" says the cowboy go ahead. the kid takes the bowl and starts to eat like mad, like he has had no food for a month. He gets about half way done, and stops looking into the bowl where he sees a dead mouse. He up chucks into the bowl. The Cowboy leans in and puts his hand on the kids shoulder and says "Yah thats about as far as I got too".......
That was just gross.